Hello all....wow it feels like forever since I have been here in the stream!! I just looked and the whole entire summer went by and not a word from me I am sure most of you didn't lose any sleep LOL but thanks to those who stop by and check in every once in awhile...
Well really it has been another too full year since hubby has been home. We survived kindergarten with baby boy who is still trying to decide if he likes being a first grader and baby girl has started intermediate school! Hubby will be home until January and then he will be doing training for about 8 months total 2 months here 6 months there but it is all state side thank GOD!!!
Me I have been on some strange journey...that is mainly why I haven't been blogging much in all my spare time...I don't know what to say. For those who know me well that will be a shocker but truly I have been at a loss. Spiritually, poliltically, emotionally perplexed~!!
This morning I realized I have come to terms with some of the things I have been grinding on but many things just don't have answers and merely need acceptance!! I always feel the need to write it is like my thing and I have had my skin crawling for months because everytime I started to write something it seemed so whiny and just babbly and then I realized that well I guess that is where I'm at and so that must be what I will have to do for now...I started a myspace account (geesh that feel traitor like LOL) but most of my family lives far away and we have all hooked up there. That isn't safe for me there are so many things that I need to say but not particularly to them!! Hubby and daddy are the only 2 family members I invited to read my stuff on blogstream and well that is all I really feel safe with at the moment!
I thought I would open up the forum and share some of my issues over the last year and just get them out because they seem to keep piling up in that corner of my brain that overanalyzes and wants to solve world issues and seriously needs an organizer!! Please feel free to share experience strength and hope as you see fit but play nice I bruise easily these days...
So here goes welcome to my insanity!!
~baby girl has lived with her dad for almost 3 years now..and she has started to blossom into an adolescent...he however is a man and well doesn't pay attention to things...other than not making sure she showers often enough and brushes her hair and doesn't go to school in stained clothes well I guess he is doing ok. she loves her school and we don't fight as much since I am the adult and realized it was tearing her apart...but I soo want her here and it totally annoys me about the hygeine thing..so i struggled to determine what were my wants and needs and what were hers..i don't think I will ever get the grasp of that one I just try to keep it to myself and not let it eat me up. I figure if she wants to come home full time she will make it abundantly clear and at that time I will go back to battle but I often feel guilty for having a life with out her here I guess I have been just struggling with feeling like I am still a good mom doing the best she can even though baby girl is not living here
~~ hubby loves the military I feel like a mistress rather than his wife most of the time... how do I continue to whole heartedly support him with this if all I really want is for him to get out and stay home?? this is just definately a battle I can't truly win...if I tell him enough that I want him to quit he probably will but then he will be angry and resentful so it would be worse I think. but geesh it sure does make a person feel unimportant to know he would rather be getting shot at than at home!!
~~ stay at home mom...to be or not to be?? financially we struggle, as a matter of fact I may lose my license over some speeding ticket I haven't had the money to pay, but usually nothing gets shut off and the kids are clothed and fed and all...I really want to be a stay at home mom and hubby says that is what he wants too...some days though I think I would feel better if I had a job to get out and about to since there are days at a time when I don't venture beyond these walls...it seems like it should be cut and dry we need money I get a job...but with hubby leaving for months at a time and daycare costing more than half a salary it seems like the school was the only option job wise and I think i burnt that bridge...i scan the papers for part time positions but then I think what about summer....blah blah blah I suppose I will know if the right opportunity presents itself...
~~ we got a new minister at the Free Methodist church about this time last year and well he annoys me ... he used to be an evangelist and he has that hell fire and brimstone kinda style when he preaches...many Sundays I wanted to get up and walk out...I mentioned to my kids about trying some other churches and they love their children's church so there I sit gritting my teeth on Sunday morning..in the midst of this I have realized how much I DON"T agree with the doctrine of this church and feel hypocritical...I started searching for what I do believe and it made me wonder if I was a Christian at all ... that sucked...basically I think that God is loving and kind and that Jesus gave us all grace if we chose it...I am pro choice I'm not against gay marriage and I think that science and Christianity can and do exist side by side I also believe there are special people out there who have gifts that were given from GOD well I think each of us is gifted in our own way but I think some people have extraordinary gifts like healing and insight and other stuff I may get into later...I don't think the Bible can possibly be literal seeing as it has been translated soo many times and that when it was translated into English it was ordered by a King for political reasons..geesh that's a can of worms...so I struggle to stay comfortable in my own skin with my own convictions
~politics well I chose to stay ignorant mostly..I do have an opinion but it isn't necessarily an educated one..it like most other things in my life is more governed by my heart....like the immigration stuff I have soo many friends who came here "illegally" but I think that today my great grandparents would be considered "illegal" too, I have never considered myself to be in any way racial but I became hugely annoyed over the fact that an African American student could call me a honkey and a cracker with little reprocussion...just think if someone had called them "the N word"? GEESH!!! I think equality means just that and that is another can of worms I suppose...
And of course there is the war...I have never believed in war and then this...I guess my new take on it remember it is just my opinion but I would rather the war be in someone elses back yard ...
~I am annoyed with the school system because an outside source diagnosed baby boy with PDD NOS ( atypical autism ) the school system decided however that he did not meet the guidelines for having autism because he is very social...in all my research the NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED basically means that a child has some but not all of the characteristics ... never mind that he rocks back and forth on his feet will at a moments notice climb under a desk for some annoyance he has but can't verbalize at that moment. He has sensory issues with noises and the wind and his clothes and some types of food and blah blah blah blah blah...they determined at the school that he merely had a learning disability which is fine because he will still get accomidations but they don't have to foot the bill for any of the therapy related to the other issues...I suppose that is what it is all about .. who is going to pay for this therapies and such. Basically he just isn't autistic enough for the school to treat him as such on paper...it's fine though he is going to do well I think without the label! He got glasses last week and told his resource teacher that he was going to be a much better listener now!! LOL too too funny
There is more but i am getting tired...
I think when I reach a dilema I will just post it here and let you lovely people solve it for me LOL
Thanks for reading all these rambles if you made it this far...
Grateful Blessings!! Kwick

Last Friday my baby girl finished 4th grade and today my baby boy finished Kindergarten (with the exception of summer school) so yes I cried both times! It is difficult to gauge how to deal with them together so I am glad it was seperate events....

My daughter is an honor roll student who is so hard on herself if she doesn't make all A's that it is easy to find things to be proud of her for by any parents standards. But knowing her the way I do and knowing she is just like her mother I know she didn't work so hard on all the book stuff. The physical stuff and keeping her mouth shut when she totally wanted to spout off to her teacher those were things I knew she tried really hard at! So I clapped loudest when she got recognized for passing 4 out of 5 parts of the presidential fitness test.

My son, on the other hand has struggled to recall the names of the alphabet and write his name even after 3 years of practicing. For him just sitting in a classroom and completing a paper is an extreme accomplishment. He is for the most part a very pleasant child and all his quirkiness goes unoticed until he melts down. Today he says very loudly as all the parents pile in to his classroom that he is "people sick" and needs to puke and runs off to the bathroom. All his classmates laugh as they think he is joking. But I knew exactly what he meant and teared up because I was so proud that he knew exactly what it was that was setting him off and was able to say it outloud! What a thing to be proud of ... but for my son that was a huge accomplishment, however odd it may seem.

My children give me a hard time and they were telling me last night that I needed to take an entire box of Kleenex with me today because they knew I was going to need it. I don't know why I get so emotional about all the milestones they experience, I just do. My babies are spoiled rotten and it often shows. I am grateful most of the time that despite trials they have some self confidence and tons of character.

I don't know how we will fare next year as baby girl moves on to intermediate school and baby boy becomes a first grader, who still doesn't know his alphabet completely but we will meet the challenge with laughter and attitude on all parts I am sure. Until then we will enjoy the time we have as a family and try really hard not to get too "people sick"!

Have a great summer all!!
Kwick

Writer's Block
Writer's block sucks..

I can feel that there is something bubbling

Something just screaming to get out

Instead of being able to find the words to set it free

It is festering behind silent tears and anxiety

Day to day is like walking through the dark

Never knowing what is around the next corner

I know it is there

an emotion demanding to be felt

a secret aching to be told

an apology longing to be made

forgiveness begging to be given

a story wating to be told

it is at the tip of my brain but still slightly foggy

Chipping away at the block

until it finally breaks through

Kwick