Hello hello! Yes I am still among the living!

First let me say a thank you to those of you who have stopped by recently to say hello and to let me know you were thinking of me and to even let me know I am missed! (Blush just a little)
The stream has been instrumental in my finding the voice I thought I had lost But recently I have been in a personal conundrum as to how loud I should shout and at whom!? In this whole process I have been known to lash out as a reaction and that has often proved to be effective, however, the effects aren’t always those that I had hoped for! So I have been practicing sitting with my emotions and my thoughts and seeing where they collide.

In addition to all this determining what I should react to and how I should react I have begun a new journey with my family. Well I suppose it isn’t a new journey it has just taken a detour, the destination of which is yet to be determined. Not Otherwise Specified is the medical term. Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, to be exact. Baby boy, who is 6, has recently been diagnosed with PDD NOS. This is on the Autism Spectrum of disorders and is sometimes referred to as Atypical Autism. I have researched and researched and the best thing I can figure is you treat this just like Autism. We are in the midst of a myriad of testing to determine IQ and achievement capabilities and a whole assortment of things yet to be determined. I am not big on labels but as people who knew my son very well kept mentioning this possibility to me and I researched it a bit everything said that early intervention is the key to having the most typical life possible! (Notice I said typical not “normal”)
I have experienced some guilt…not because I feel responsible for the disorder but because I feel like maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention! There have always been temper tantrums and outbursts that my friends were baffled by. He has always been a little behind developmentally. I even questioned when he was younger but then he began to talk just after he turned 2 and every preconceived notion of Autism that I had told me that he wouldn’t be able to talk if he were Autistic. So the guilt comes from maybe ignoring behaviors because they were no different than what I wanted to be doing in my head but knew better because I was an adult!

I had kind of adapted already to his “quirky” behavior. The routines that kept him calm and on an even keel. But when dad came home and I assumed things would get better well they didn’t! Daddy does things differently than mama! Like taking different roads to school and trying to put a shirt on before the pants!! OH NO!! The worst was all the notes and phone calls from school about Baby boy hiding and hitting in an attempt to adjust to being around so many kids and for such a long period of time during each day! At home he hides when he is upset and when we were remodeling and it was noisy! At school in a class of 30, well that is just out of the question. He also hits if you touch him…like a reaction..but he doesn’t have that little voice that says he shouldn’t hit! We have been working on it all year and we finally have it down most days! “I walk away when someone is bothering me”
There is more to this! It is Atypical. He can talk to me. He likes to play with other kids at least for small amounts of time. It is almost as if he wants it and then it gets to be overwhelming. He is defiantly a rigid linear thinker! I could go on and on listing his “quirks” which to me aren’t all bad. I do watch him be very frustrated by things that don’t concern other kids but he is trying. Reading and letter recognition are a huge issue! There are letters that he can’t remember the names of although he can match the upper and lower case and can point them out if you ask him to. He just can’t tell you what it is if you hold up a flash card. I believe this will come just like walking and talking did. One day a light will go on and he will just know it and it will be as if he always has! In the mean time I am struggling with the school and deciding what is best for him. He isn’t severe so I always get those that say “Really I would have never guessed that” when I tell them he has an Autism Spectrum disorder. I am also tiptoeing around trying to decide what limits it is acceptable to push and what are better left as they are…like the roads we take to school.

I have been invited to go to an Autism support meeting and I am hesitant! I have already spoken with another mom who has started to compare what my son can’t and can do and how he reacts to her son! It was uncomfortable! I don’t know enough about it all yet to defend or deny the diagnosis! I only know it has been hellish to watch and once I started acting as if this is real my son responded to the routines and the lack in pushing him to stop stimming….like when he makes those annoying as hell clicking noises or talks incessantly about things that I have no idea where the subject came from. I have begun to pick my battles and life seems calmer. I am afraid that this is one more place that I will only slightly be able to relate. My baby boy is a puzzle to put it like his occupational therapist and Atypical pretty much sums it up but I really like Not Otherwise Specified. He isn’t your typical 6 yr old hell he isn’t even your typical Autistic 6 yr old. But he is my baby boy and I am grateful for all that he is teaching me. Patience and tolerance and he is reminding me daily that life is more joyful when you think and live outside the box!!

So that is what has been keeping me so busy. Another chapter in this life. Not Otherwise Specified but belonging to me and mine none the less.

Grateful blessings all and much love,
Kwick

As I sit here contemplating what lessons I have learned over the last few years I realize some things about myself and life in general. First I am tired!!! Emotionally, spiritually, physically TIRED. Next I think Survivor should be my theme song but it is much too cliché…so I use Supergirl instead.” I’m Supergirl and I’m here to save the world but I wanna know who’s gonna save me?” Yeah that about says it!!
Why am I contemplating today?? Oh, I suppose you might be interested in that fact (half baked giggle more like hmph) Today is the day after anniversary. The day after one year ago my husband shipped out for Iraq. The day after 2 years ago my daughter went to live with her dad. The day after I survived!!!! I woke up and the sun came out and the world did not stop spinning. The day after significant tragedies to me proved that life does go on!! Oh and a funny side note (not so funny for hubby) today is the day after hubby had to go back to his civilian job. Back to the real world. He’s been home since September almost as long as he was gone…oh I’ll save that gab session for another time. So like I said this is the day after!! And I sit contemplating…..
I wonder how many times my heart did not explode out of my chest although the ache made me sure it was going to. I wonder how many times I threw the remote at the evening news swearing I would never watch again. How many times did I quickly turn the radio station so my son hopefully wouldn’t hear what they were saying about the war. How many times have I cried as my daughter walked out the door yet one more time heading for a place where she would go to bed at night without a goodnight kiss and me tucking her in….and similar tears for my husband who wasn’t even under the same sky I was anymore!!! How many times I held onto my son hoping I wasn’t smothering him because he was all I had here and now!! Ok so obviously it has been a little rough but we made it to the day after!!! This is my fall apart day!! Not THE day because for some reason I just can’t. I never loose it in the midst of any chaos!! I may shed a tear but not many no uncontrollable sobs until it is all over!! Most of the time my tears are private…I wouldn’t want the world to think it had gotten the best of me even for a moment.
I learned that no matter how much heartache I feel I won’t die. I learned that I am stronger and much more graceful than I ever imagined!! I did not kill anyone or disappear like I always suspected I would!! I accepted my defeat gracefully and sorrowfully of course! I learned that just because it is killing me doesn’t mean it is the wrong thing! I never conceded that my ex is a better parent than me in fact I think quite the contrary!! I am a good parent even when she isn’t living here!! I still make her a priority and she knows it without a doubt! For once in my life I am living through the pain!! In the midst of all this personal tragedyour family had two deaths and I could feel every fiber of togetherness I had slipping away!! I have never dealt with so much at one time and certainly never chemical free!!! But I made it!! And today is the day after we lived one whole year without bad news!!! Hubby came home and that was a change and Nana stayed with us for a month while recuperating! We have adjusted to all that we have had to and for one whole year no major tragedies….so maybe this is the day I exhaled!! Still I cry tears that have been bottled up in fear of letting them out! And still today I will tiptoe maybe if we make it another year I will put my feet on solid ground!! Today is the day after I survived and maybe it is time to start acknowledging that I am still LIVING!!!
Much love,
Kwick

Excuse me if I do not understand
I have lost the ability to comprehend
I was silly to think that when I spoke you would listen
I suppose if I lived far away and wanted you to fight for me you would
But how dare I ask that you at least remember that I said something of importance
It was childish and naive
Pardon me for having the expectation that the family you claim to love is as important as anything else in your world
You were our hero before you left the yard
That doesn’t make you feel important because we are only your family
Of course the opinions of total strangers are far more concrete
Who handed you your values
Do you know why you believe what you believe?
Opinions are like assholes and everybody has them
Except for you and I suppose it is because your head is stuck in one
Please forgive me for being angry that you didn’t hear yet another thing I said
Next time before I speak I will try to go through the proper chain of command!

Have a great Valentine's Day everyone!!
Much love, Kwick

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
>
>THROUGH THE DESERT.
>
>DURING SOME POINT OF THE
>
>JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
>
>ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
>
>SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
>
>IN THE FACE.
>
>
>
>THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
>
>WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
>
>SAYING ANYTHING,
>
>WROTE IN THE SAND:
>
>
>
>TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
>
>SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
>
>
>
>THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
>
>UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
>
>WHERE THEY DECIDED
>
>TO TAKE A BATH
>
>THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
>
>SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
>
>MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
>
>BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
>
>
>
>AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
>
>THE NEAR DROWNING,
>
>HE W ROTE ON A STONE:
>
>
>
>"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
>
>SAVED MY LIFE ".
>
>
>
>THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
>
>AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
>
>ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,
>
>YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
>
>YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"
>
>
>
>THE FRIEND REPLIED
>
>"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
>
>WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
>
>IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
>
>FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
>
>BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
>
>SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
>
>WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
>
>WHERE NO WIND
>
>CAN EVER ERASE IT."
>
>
>
>LEARN TO WRITE
>
>YOUR HURTS IN
>
>THE SAND AND TO
>
>CARVE YOUR
>
>BENEFITS IN STONE.
>
>
>
>THEY SAY IT TAKES A
>
>MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
>
>PERSON, AN HOUR TO
>
>APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY
>
>TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN
>
>AN ENTIRE LIFE
>
>TO FORGET THEM.
>
>
>
>SEND THIS PHRASE TO
>
>THE PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER
>
>FORGET. I JUST DID.
>
>
>
>IF YOU DON'T
>
>SEND IT TO ANYONE,
>
>IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A
>
>HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE
>
>FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.
>
>TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!
>
>
>
>DO NOT VALUE THE MATERIAL THINGS
>
>YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE
>
>THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE !
>
>

In a sea of contradicting everything
Motherhood and married life
Caregiver to those who cared for me
I really wanted that cookie
But he smiled at me and it was the last one
I really wanted to finish school
But he is a soldier and somebody has to take care of things at home
Which responsibility is the priority today
Which monkey shall ride on my back today
As I sit at the keyboard and type this out
I am reminded of a song about getting high
I was gonna go to class but then I got high, I was gonna go to work but then I got high....etc etc blah blah blah
I lived that life and woke up one day
Harsh realization set in that I was living my life high
And in doing so I was losing everything that I had ever wanted...
Today I sit and look around
I want to be the good mother the good wife
But do I lose everything else in the process...
I put it all on hold for another day
I'll go back to school when there is time
I'll go get my haircut when we have extra money
I'll join the gym hell who knows when...
Hubby doens't ask if there is enough money or who will take care of the kids
So now I'm whining and pouting...
I think I have lost my balance once more
Most of the time I don't mind putting others first
Especially when they notice...
But maybe when they don't notice at all that is when it sucks!!
The contradictions are all inside of me..
Being selfless doesn't mean that I get recognition
I have resigned myself to run the show behind the scenes
knowing damn good and well that I do in fact run it
I suppose it is time for a gentle reminder
And definately time to stop whining!!
Here we go breathe in breathe out
Put on your big girl pants and go at it step by step!!

Wow I think most of that doesn't even make sense to me LOL
Have a great day!!
~~Kwick