I would just like to say thank you to all of you who stopped by to wish me a happy birthday!!

I have to say that having a Thanksgiving birthday has at some points been a drag. But this year I was grateful....I took turning 26 pretty hard as it meant that I was half way to 50. But this year as I am a 5 year veteran at being 26 (31 for the mathmatically challenged) it was a little better!!! Actuall as I thought about the fact that I am not officially 30 something it did get a little droopy in the mouth but the day came and went and I didn't find any new wrinkles so it's all good yes??

Much love and grateful blessings!!
Kwick

So often these days I find myself wondering how long is long enough.
How long is long enough to get used to the idea that my daughter lives with her dad and may choose to live there for the rest of her adolesence?
How long is long enough to forgive those who were supposed to teach me how to live and cope and only gave me more things to cope with and made it necessary for me to learn survival skills not living skills?
How long is long enough to finish grieving those that I loved and lost and grieving what I never had?
How long is long enough to punish myself for mistakes I made that I can't take back?
How long is long enough to quit playing the what if game?
How long is long enough that I forgive me and start living right now?

Holidays are difficult for many and it seems that as the days get shorter and the nights longer so does the time I spend lost in thought. Lost because I can't make it stop. I relive the moments in court that I should have said this and should have said that. The moments when I opened the verdict from the judge that told me my daughter was to go live with her dad. Joint custody but no longer did I have primary physical possesion. As if she were an object. I relive the months and years up to that point and all the decisions I made to try and make things better for me for her for us. I find myself angered at the many parents who had kids taken away for neglect and abuse only to have them returned when they met the requirements they were given. I don't have that chance. The only way I could get my daugther back in my home is to prove her father unfit in some way or if she chose to come back. I don't want to be in constant competition with her dad and I can't see begging her. And just because I think he is an arrogant self surving son of a bitch doesn't mean I could ever prove him unfit.
I find myself reliving my last moments with loved ones and wishing I had said this or that. Wondering if they know how much I miss them and how much I desperately wish I had them now to tell me what to do...giving me some words of wisdom and just to make me feel safe. How selfish am I?
There are so many things that I want. But mostly what I want is to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to live each day without waiting for things to get better...circumstances to be more to my liking. If I have learned anything in my years it is that life just keeps coming at you ready or not. I suppose acceptance is a huge factor and faith. I think right now I have a little of both.
If there is a rock in my path as I walk down the road I kick it aside and keep walking and I don't look back. I wish life were that simple. I have been consumed with not getting my way and I am angry and frustrated and just plain sad. I am not sure that it has gotten any easier. I am not sure that in some aspects I haven't become simply numb. I go through the motions every day...but when I lay down to sleep that is a different story...I find myself lost no TRAPPED in my thoughts.

Here is hoping that spilling some of this here gets me a few spare moments to rest.

Much love and grateful blessings!
Kwick

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Much love and gratitude to those on the stream!!
Hope everyone has their fill or turkey today and finds the time to be Thankful for something!!

I am thankful
For loving even when I lost it
For being a mother even though it can be heartbreaking
And for being a wife even though it is hard sometimes
For my husband who hangs in there even when I know he'd have a better time somewhere else
For my family who has it's definate disfunction!!
For all the lessons learned even when it hurt real bad
For having another day to find things to be thankful for!!!

Have a blessed day!! Kwick

In the midst of all the daily drama and ho hums at this time of year I try to find things to be grateful for every once in a while ( I should probably do that more often) The bonus is in looking for gratitude I often find myself smiling as well!!

My kids helped us with the remodeling project earlier this evening they just couldn't wait to help us mud....
They did very well. It probably won't even need sanded it's so smoothe. But this sentimental mom will have to close her eyes as it gets painted over...aren't those the sweetest handprints ever

On our last trip to visit my great aunt my Nana the kids wanted to play outside....

My 82 year old Nana just happened to be the oldest kid out there though she isn't the tallest anymore!

Much love and grateful blessings!
Have a great day!
Kwick

I just watched the movie CLICK for the second time and I cried again!

The first time I watched it with hubby and I thought PRAISE BE I have been saying this for so long!! I nag and nag hubby about everything he misses while he is working so much to make $$ that he never has time to spend! After we watched it Baby boy informed his dad that we had missed out on camping this year while he was over seas and we needed to go camping!! So hubby says sure we will go next weekend! As I look at my husband with a glare thinking it is 30 degrees at night he informs us that we will have an indoor camp out or camp in as baby boy corrected. So yesterday we went to the grocery and got marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate. Hubby learned a trick in tech school so he treated us to grilled cheese sandwiches made with the iron (the kids love that) and we roasted marshmallows over a candle!! It was great fun! Hubby ran a rope from wall to wall and hung a sheet up over it to make the tent!! we all slept on the living room floor and life was good. Until I woke up at 5 am and hubby was gone! He has drills this weekend...swell he gets to have all the fun and I get to pick up all the mess!! OK so I know I am being whiny...but I feel neglected!!
I get tired of being the family accountant, taxi, maid, cook, etc. etc! I especially hate when daddy can't come through for this or that and I catch all the complaining dry the tears assure the kids that daddy loves them and will most certainly make up for whatever it is...only to have them jump in daddy's lap the minute he arrives and have a tickle match...no mention of the anger they were spouting just minutes before!!
I thought because I have a job now that this wouldn't be so drastic...never mind I hate my job and the mess my house is in once again because I have never been good at time management!!! I really would like to just stay home and have time to be the mom I want to be but I am seriously concerned about letting our finances get out of hand! I feel like if hubby is just gonna be gone all the time anyway maybe I should just quit!! I wonder if he realizes all that he misses. He keeps saying he will look for a different job but I don't think he wants to I think it is just that thing that teenagers and men do ....I will say whatever it takes to get her to shut up for the moment!! We have whole conversations and he doesn't remember them!! It is seriously annoying!! Me I don't want to fast forward or miss a thing~~ I just want to put everything on pause until I am sure that I will never forget my babies being babies and they will always know that I love them completely and unconditionally!!! Oh well....I can dream!! Much love, Kwick