10 years ago today I became a momma! The day baby girl was born was one of the most emotional days of my life. I remember my heart ached like it would actually explode. I was so filled with love and fear. I never really knew before that day what unconditional love really was. I knew that I loved this little girl and nothing was ever going to change it! It was the most intense feeling I have ever had! Today she is 10! Double digits...it is a big deal to her. I remember it was a big deal to me too when I turned 10.


We partied yesterday. She graciously shared her lime light with hubby who came home Friday. She picked her own cake..one with a picture of her on it!! We had a few friends over and tons of family and we celebrated all day!
There is a festival and parade in the next town over. It always seems to be on her birthday weekend. But instead of going to the parade she chose to go and spend time with her great great aunt!! I was so pleased. We spent today on the farm I grew up on playing outside and had hot dogs for lunch...a very simple but beautiful day! I am amazed at the decisions she makes and the young woman she is becoming and me seemingly helpless to stop it. She is always thinking ahead and can't wait to be a teenager. I wish I could fill her with all the knowledge and experience I have of how time will fly and life really does just get harder...but I suppose she will have to learn the same way I did..from her own experiences and mistakes. Happy Birthday Baby Girl and thank you for all that you have taught me!!

Have a blessed week all!!
Much love,
Kwick

There are so many times when things are bittersweet. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or both. Reality has never been my strong point. Hubby is coming home in 2 days. I should just be bubbly. And I guess in some ways I am. Along with anxious and excited and a little weary from the time I have spent waiting and praying oh did I mention anxious. But there is something always underneath the surface for me. I miss my little girl!! No matter what is going on it is always there. Sometimes even when she is home... I can't stop myself from thinking that she will be going back to her dads and I miss her before she is even gone!! In my head I know that she wanted to go and that eventually even if the judge hadn't granted him custody she would have gone anyway. In my head I know I can't make her come home even if I had kept fighting in court and made her come back home...she would be angry and resentful because she wants to stay with him. In my head I know that she and I are so so much alike and our house would be a war zone if she were here every day and we probably do have a better relationship because she isn't here every day. But my heart is another story all together. It is just not natural for a child to be away from her mother!! And if I had done this and hadn't done that then she would still be at home with me where I could tuck her in every night and make sure she says her prayers. I could be there when she woke up in the middle of the night with bad dreams or good ones for that matter. I could make sure she had her glass of water beside her bed incase she woke up thirsty....I could just be there and no one could stop me. And when she wanted to be a part of whatever the family is doing there would be no one I had to ask no one to say no. But that is not the way things are. I think if I give in to everything I know in my head and the reality of the situation then there would be this acceptance but with that acceptance is the reality that she may never choose to come home and live with me again. That I may have spent my time being that mom who was there already and I wonder did I do a good job? Did I do enough? Did I tell her enough times that I love her no matter what? Do I show her enough when she is home now? Will she ever truly know how much she means to me and how she saved my life more than once or how much she taught me? Some one told me once that you never know if you are a good parent until your children are grown and don't need you to be a parent anymore...until they aren't children but adults. I'm scared not only that I messed her up somehow already but that she won't know how much I love her and that maybe she won't love me back!!!!! Wow that hurt! I miss my baby girl. But I suppose even if she came home today for good...she will never be the 8 yr old baby that I sent to live with her daddy! When I look at my son I pray that I never have to go through anything like that with him although I am sure that he will break my heart some other way. I hope that it is age appropriate and that he and I both have time to grow up before we get there. I am soo glad my hubby is coming home. And I am soo glad that I still get to be such a part of baby girls life! My family for the most part is happy and healthy albeit spread out most of the time!! I do have much to be grateful for.....Just another part of me forgiving me. Life is funny!

Much love, Kwick

Today has been a day of reflection all across the country! I remember watching the television in horror as the second plane hit the towers and my daughter wanting to know what it all meant and was it a movie we were watching....
This year we talked about that day, my son too young to remember but sad today none the less. We watched news casts about the children who are 5 this year who never got to know their daddies!! And I recall that I was most torn up over the Flight 93 story!! I mean it was all horrific but I can't imagine the courage and determination it took for those passengers to take the plane down so that the terrorists did not win in that instance!!
It is truly amazing. There were several heroes that day many who did not live to see our gratitude!!
I have to take a moment to be grateful in all this madness...I got an email today from hubby with his flight information. Not just him giving me dates but actual e tickets!! I cannot wait to hug my husband and see the smiles on baby girl and baby boy when daddy picks them up as only he can do!!
I feel such remorse for those who lost love ones on 9-11 and since...I can only be grateful that I have not had to endure their pain! I pray for safety for all the troops and the loved ones and all the families of the lost!! They will not be forgotten!! Baby boy says it best they are in our hearts now and that makes us stronger and safer!! Hug your children and your spouse!! Phone those people you haven't spoken to in a while just to let em know you love them!!
Much love and gratitude Kwick

I heard this song today and I thought I am a hell of a climber by now so lets have some flat ground for awhile!!

I think most events in my life have been learning experiences I just simply have to be willing to find the lesson. I find myself frustrated coming out of denial and anger and all that comes along with grief to the acceptance point over this last few months. In that process I am still working on forgiving myself and living life without feeling guilty. When is it time to stop climbing??

I have lots of thoughts spinning today but I know one thing...I know how to climb and I do it well. It is the rest part the times when there is nothing to do ... no mountain to climb that I sit alone with all the events and have to sort them out. Feel the feelings. Correct what needs correcting and just be!!

I have always said I would never be the porch sitting Rocking Chair type but I think that I will strive for that. I think that I want to be able to share my experiences and do it in a way that is helpful and nonjudgemental. I think back to my Grammy and wonder if all the times I thought she was talking out of her head if I had really listened was she sharing her wisdom about all the mountains she had climbed. She never complained or judged that I can remember she just shared!! Just more rambling from the desk of Kwick
Here's hoping you are all having a great weekend~~ Kwick