Burnin the Wick at both ends by Kwick

I heard someone say this on the television today....
I suppose several times throughout my life I have had to make this very decision. I think most of the time it has been live through it or choose not to live. The last 2 years have been especially hard hitting...one life changing earth shattering event after another. So many back to back that it has been difficult to keep moving for fear of what waits for me around the next corner!!

I have continued to struggle and have days when I think I have finally reached the point where I can lay my head down at night and breathe...just breathe. But then I find that I am still waiting to exhale. Waiting to feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. I have chosen to live time and time again...even when I feel it may be easier not to or that maybe I am just not worthy!!

There have been so many days when it hurts just to breathe.... and I suppose that I talk in circles soo often that I am doing it again. This post was intended to tell the story of my last few years because I have mentioned bits and pieces but never really let it all out!! And I think it may finally be time!! I live each event out almost daily and I am not sure why other than there was so much that I never had time to deal with each event each consequence individually!!!
There are obviously pre cursors to this whole story because my life didn't start 2 years ago...but in some ways I almost felt like it was the beginning of the end....

My Momma Jewels had been sick on and off for close to 2 years I think. I am pretty sure that she and daddy knew it was worse than they let on to us kids for a long time. In mid summer of 2004 daddy finally told me that we were just waiting and there was nothing more they could do.
I had been so wrapped up in fixing the mess that I had created of my life I am not sure how much help I was to anyone. As I look back I know I thought all kinds of selfish things....God couldn't take her I had just gotten the mom I always wanted and needed. And what about our family how would they ever survive? How was I going to learn to be a good mother? All these things and I don't think I ever threw a temper tantrum like the one that was going on in my head but I wanted to!! None of it was about me really!! So I acted like a grown up and I went through all the motions. I remember looking at my dad and wondering would he ever be the same. I am sure he won't none of us will!! I remember wondering if anyone was as mad at God as I was and how could I continue to have faith. But daddy did call and Momma Jewels did die and there was nothing any of us could do to change it. The days of the funeral are a blur....except for a couple of things... Daddy told us it was Jewels day and that we were to greet and be there for her guests or something along those lines...basically telling us not to lose it I think!! And then there was my daughter. She was 7 almost 8 at the time...she had taken a rock from Momma Jewels flower garden. She said it was warm and she thought Jewels was in it. At the cemetary she dropped it into the metal container that surrounds the casket. It made the loudest thud sound. Besides that she started screaming!! My dad was furious and I couldn't explain it to him because I was trying to get her to stop. I know she said it out loud "My Jewels" I didn't know what to do...I couldn't reach the rock. Someone, I think it was one of Momma's brothers but I can't remember reached down and got it for her...I was soo grateful!! She still has the rock in her top dresser drawer and every once in awhile I see her just hold it. Every once in awhile I go in and hold it too. We all miss her soo much. And like I said things will never be the same!! My son talks to her when he is mad at me and tells me that she says this or that usually that I should be nicer to him!! Momma Jewels died on September 7 2004 the day after her birthday!
In February 2005 I went to court on a custody hearing that had been on hold for 2 years. I was supposed to go in September but it got moved up due to the funeral. On Valentine's day I got court orders in the mail that my daughter was to go and live with her father on February 18. I was completely insane but thank God I got numb!! I don't remember much about that time except I cried alot!! There were things at the hearing that were completely nuts and I felt trapped. Reality is that I am not a bad mom and that there was no real reason for my daughter to have to go live with her dad. I had made bad decisions and maybe not the best choices but that was no reason to take her away. Reality also is that I can't stand her dad and I think he is one of the most arrogant and hateful sons of bitches I have ever met. I don't know that he has ever hurt her and she worships the ground that he walks on....therefor reality is maybe he deserved to have her come and live with him for awhile. That hurts though!! My baby girl this little creature that I love soo much wanted to live with her dad. She said it was his turn!! I knew some day she would break my heart don't we all break our mother's hearts...I just wasn't prepared for it to happen soo soon!! When the judge finally gave the orders she wasn't sure that is what she wanted but it was too late. And now she is fine with it. She has lived with him for a year and a half and I am still not fine with it!! I relive that day in court over and over..and all the things that they said and all the things that I did or didn't do that gave them the righ to say them or at least give them doubt that I wasn't the best choice to have custody of my daughter. I can't imagine what it would feel like to wake up one day and it just be ok...but that is what I strive for because I know if I don't get there I will be miserable for the rest of my life. And I will make everyone else miserable along the way. That is where all the talk of forgiving me comes from...everytime I do something or act in some way that I think is not good I imagine what my kids must think of it too!! I have to find a way to get past it. I have to find a way to not only live through it but live with it because for now that is the way it is. I love my daughter and my son more than life itself but I have to be able to find a way to forgive myself so than I can have a life to love and be loveable and be the mom that they need me to be!!
Breathe in breathe out...yes even exhale...
In July of 2005 we got orders that my husband was to be deployed on his first over seas tour. He left in mid August. And sometime around then my Grammy got very sick. We went to see her before hubby left and discover her eye almost completely swollen shut. I took her to the hospital and found that she had shingles. In testing they did while she was in the hospital they found cancer. She had been in remission for almost 6 years I think and it was a shock. Over the next couple of months she had several surgeries. She was doing well and seemed like she would be recovering just fine. Hubby came home in October and I was starting to calm down a bit. I had taken a part time job while he was gone and started to feel productive again if even a little bit. But in early December Grammy took a turn for the worse and started to get dehydrated and weaker by the minute. I was at a loss. This woman had always been my safe net. I was always welcome in her home and she had probably been more honest with me than anyone in my life. She represented the only stability I had ever known. The only sure thing was that Grammy and Nana (her sister) would always have a place for me to lay my head, would never let me go hungry, and would always be the first to put me on the prayer list if need be!! On December 20, I held my Grammy's hand and I kissed her and I told her I would be ok. And she smiled at me and she went home!! She had told us only days before that she was going to be with Fred. He was my grandpa and he had died before I was born. We buried my Grammy 2 days after Christmas and I started trying to rebuild and come to terms once again.
My husband left on his second over seas deployment in February of this year ... on the one year anniversary of my daughter going to live with her dad. I was a mess that day. I just knew that something else horrible was going to happen. I think some days I am still waiting for it. I have sometimes days in a row where I think I have finally gotten to the point that I am living again....
Mostly I think I am waiting for something to change...waiting for hubby to come home...waiting for my baby girl to be able to come home...waiting to get the next job..just waiting for something to make it ok for me to actually live again. In some ways I tell myself that this keeps me having hope and faith....
But I know in reality it keeps me from living right now...I spent my whole life waiting for something better that never came. And now I know that all though I have come through soo much I haven't truly been living. I have to learn not only to live through it but LIVE with it!! The how is a mystery to me. I have always been told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle....well he sure has a higher opinion of me than I do myself. And does he really know how much all this has tested my faith and my ability to trust him completely?? I know we don't always get our way...but I just want a little something. And if I stop and think about it I do get those little somethings every once in awhile...I just have to learn to be grateful for them. And stop throwing those temper tantrums even if they are only in my head!! There is another something that I have always heard and that is Fake it till you make it!! Well right now even if I am faking it I choose to live with it...whatever the "It" is today. I choose to live. And live well.
You may be boggled but I feel a little better. Maybe I won't have to talk in circles or maybe I still will but more remains to be seen!! Thanks to all the bloggers who have made this a safe place to tell stories like these!! Much love and grateful blessings!! Kwick